In the blink of an eye...
Happy 3rd Birthday, River! There's so much to say about this day... the truth of it is that I struggle every year on this day. Struggle with the memories of the weeks leading up to his birth, struggle with the memory of being told he'd had a Grade IV brain bleed in utero and the memories of 8 weeks in the NICU, struggle finding a way to celebrate a 3 year old boy who doesn't care about cake and ice cream and literally cannot play with 99% of the toys out there. So I just sit and I hold him. I tell him how much I love him and how precious he is. I think about how hard I wish I could take this burden from him. I sing to him and I tickle him. I cry a little (okay, sometimes a lot.) It doesn't look much different from our normal days.
River is a blessing and I thank God for him without a thought to his disabilities. I know God has already used River to bring glory to His name and I know He has a plan and a purpose for River. I can look back over our life before River and the timing of when he was conceived and his birth and see the hand of God in every detail. I KNOW God doesn't make mistakes and He knew what He was going to call River Thomas to long before I ever dreamed of this beautiful blue eyed baby boy. It's just that some days that doesn't make walking in our daily life any easier. Ya'll are lucky I got a night out with my husband this weekend and unloaded my feelings on him because otherwise ya'll would be getting a much sadder post. I'm struggling... and I admitted to Matt that I thought things were going to get easier as River got older, but for months now I have actually been feeling like the older he gets, the harder it gets. And not just physically, but in all aspects. The more time goes on the less I feel like we are winning at this special needs things and the more I feel like we are getting beaten down by it. And today on River's 3rd birthday I just needed to put all pretenses aside and be honsest about that. I'm trying to figure it out... figure out how to move on and not feel this way and we welcome your prayers as we continue to navigate this world.
Today I'm going to sit and hold this growing boy. We're going to sing Happy Birthday to him all day long (current count is 4 times) because he thinks it is absolutely hilarious. That's probably a testament to our singing voices. We got him a new teddy bear (with high contrast stripes in the hopes that it will help him to see it better) and The Jungle Book on DVD. What River really loves is family... so we will celebrate him by cuddling up for a family movie night later this evening. I baked him a cake he could care less about, but we'll offer him a bite nonetheless. And I'm going to let myself feel every emotion I need to. I love this boy with an unexplainable fierceness and my only hope for this day is that he knows that. I'm pretty sure he does. Thank ya'll for loving this angel boy along with us. In addition to prayer if you feel led to we would love for you to consider making a $3 donation to River's Accessible Home fund in honor of his 3rd birthday! You can donate atwww.youcaring.com/raisingriver or just share his page -www.facebook.com/raisingriver- maybe we can hit 1000 followers in honor of this sweet boy today. Ya'll be blessed, we love and cherish you all!
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