Dear Sweet Momma,
I know. I know you feel like you're in a million pieces. That not just your heart broke, but your entire being just busted up into pieces and you will never be the same again. Here's the truth: you won't. You are changed from this moment forward.
(credit: http://rufflesandbows.tumblr.com/post/15763593197)
But you are not changed for the worse. This can make you better and that baby? The one who didn't come out quite like you had imagined or planned for is going to teach you so much. Not just about medical procedures and meds, not just about g tubes or CP (or whatever diagnosis you have been given), not just about therapy or fighting insurance, but about life. That baby is a gift.
I know you feel alone and I know that in a way, you are. Even the most well meaning friends and family can't really get it. It's impossible to get it until you are standing in this place. Even though we are going to share so much and understand one another in a way we wish we didn't... even we cannot completely understand each other's life. This special needs thing? It's intensely personal and every story -every life- is different.
(credit: http://www.littleplastichorses.com/2013/10/quotes-quoted.html)
I hope you're not blaming yourself. I hope you aren't walking around with a heart full of guilt, like I was. But I know you're a mother and I bet you think there must have been something you could have done. There isn't. Show yourself some grace and let it go. I had to. I knew -if I let it- my guilt would eat me alive. That if I gave in to it I wouldn't be able to love this baby like I needed to, but when you let go of that guilt it opens up all this space in your heart. I remember when my son was born and how helpless I felt when the gravity of the situation swallowed me up. I remember wanting to grab my three year old and run. I wanted to figure out someway to go back to being pregnant... to just go back a week in time and carry him forever so we didn't have to do this. I just wanted another chance to protect him. Let it go.
I hope you have faith and I hope you can muster it up right now, even when it seems impossible. God can handle your anger and He can handle it even if it's directed at Him, but you'll be so much better off if you run to Him instead of away. He can handle your questions, your fears, your insecurities, and your doubts. He is so much bigger than our fears. Isn't it beautiful that now -at our darkest- He loves us. (Romans 5:8) After River was born I came across Exodus 14:14 ("The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.") and let me tell you we wore that scripture out. We spent a lot of time just being still during those first months, that first year. We let Him battle for us. He carried us. Sometimes he used our family and friends -or perfect strangers- to carry us, but I promise you He came through. He will come through for you too. There is one thing you can rest in and that is that the battle has already been won. Don't lose your hope.
Believe it or not some days it's actually hard for me to remember what it felt like when this world was all new to us. Those days when just a trip to the grocery store could make me cry because my son couldn't sit up on his own and thus, couldn't sit in a buggy like a typical baby. Those days when it seemed like every time I looked at him I could only see what he couldn't do. Now new things will make you cry. You'll see beauty you never would have before this little gift came along. Your five year old will yell, "Mom, watch what I can do!" as she does her version of a ballet leap across the room and you will marvel at how your heart can soar and ache simultaneously. I smile, praise her, and ache inside as I wonder how in the world her little body and brain can work together to pull that off while my sons can't even work together to achieve head control. Then there will be the days that baby, that sweet little gift wrapped in curious packaging, surprises you. He may not do things the way you thought he would, she may not do things on your timeline; but don't count them out. It's the middle of the night and my son is waking for the fourth or fifth time. I drag my tired body to and from his bed to console him over and over again. He calms down and I try to tiptoe out of his room. EVERY SINGLE TIME I hit that creak in the hardwood floors by his door he cries out again because he knows I am leaving him. Did you catch that? He KNOWS I am leaving him. Suddenly I go from wanting to cry from pure exhaustion to crying happy tears at these beautiful signs of cognition. Don't count them out.
Right now, if you are new to this world, the day to day seems daunting, but this little gift you've been given WILL fit into your world and whatever challenges come along with that? You'll figure it out. And about the time you figure it out you'll do your first vacation with your new normal or your first Christmas or Halloween or... something. That's where we are right now. The "somethings" and I'll tell you they are sneaky. For one, they're supposed to be joyful times so the sadness always takes you by surprise. I think, though, that someday we will figure even this out.
And you? You're going to figure this out too. You CAN rock this and you are going to be just fine. Sometimes you gotta go through some junk for God to grow you. It's a slow process. Don't rush it. Let yourself feel every emotion you need to. Have your moments, have your days, but as I wisely heard this week "don't unpack and live there." In a year, maybe two you're going to look back on these beginning moments of your new normal... they will still sting. I don't think that ever goes away, but down the road you're going to see this moment for what it is: a gift. It is hard, it is so hard, but life with a special needs child can also be all kinds of amazing. And like I said, you are going to be just fine. And I'll be here if you want to talk. Or cry. I'm good for that too.
(credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/74681369@N07/8431503500/)
With (so much) love,
Me
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