Hi, God... I need you.
I have often said I am the closest to God in times of trial and that was never truer than during that time in my life. To be fair he is ALWAYS close to me and never changes, but we, as humans, ebb and flow like the tide and when I need Him then I seek Him and I find he was there all along waiting for me.
During those scary and uncertain months I made a playlist on my iPod titled "Through It All". I listened to it constantly. On the way to work, at work, on the way home, at doctor appointments, in the CICU waiting room waiting on Matt to come out of surgery, during my 22 hour labor with my baby girl. I survived off that playlist. It is full of encouraging, uplifting, and raw songs that met me right where I was at. It fed my soul and my spirit.
When I need to feel Him extra close I still go to the playlist. Turn it up as loud as I can and cry out to Him. I needed to feel that this morning so as I baked cupcakes for Briley's end of the year school party (how did that happen so quickly?!?) I turned it on and River and I rocked out.
You've heard of Selah, right? Heard of "All My Praise?"
Listen, we KNOW the valley. Sometimes I feel like we LIVE in the valley. But do I trust that God has his hand in every aspect of my life? Absolutely. I don't know if God tests us, I don't know if he allows things to teach us, I don't know... what I do know is if there is one verse that resonates for us as a family it would have to be Genesis 50:20: As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
And today as Selah sang,
"You made every star,
and You taught it how to shine.
You knew my name before there was time,
and all this was just part of your glorious design.
Hallelujah, hallelujah!"
I lost it. The God of the universe knew every struggle before we were even born. He knew my son. He knew my son. And he knew what He was going to call River to long before I did.
People often say to me, "I don't know how you do it," or "I couldn't do it." You know how I do it? With Him. I couldn't walk this road by myself. It is HARD.
We have our days. Some days River eats real food and he crosses my room in his gait trainer and I feel so elated that I think I might float away. Some days he doesn't even want to hold his own head up and he gets so upset about something (and often we don't know what he is upset about) that he pitches a fit, holds his breath, and passes out. Some days he won't take a bite of real food and I am reminded that this g tube is life support for him as much as insulin is for me. I just want you to know that I could not do this without giving it all to Jesus. That I daily have to lay it all down at His feet and refuse to pick up my burdens. That if I sat and allowed myself to wonder what River's future will look like, to wonder if we will be able to be finacially responsible for him, to wonder who will care for Him if there ever comes a time when I or his Daddy can't... I couldn't get through a single day, I couldn't get out of the bed if I gave in to those thoughts. For us there is no other option than to trust Him. I appreciate the love and encouragement from my family, friends, and sometimes strangers commending us on staying positive and doing all we can for River (it means A LOT for someone to see your struggle), but know that what you're really seeing is God in me. And if you don't know him, you can. What He gives to me is not mutually exclusive. He offers it to us all.
In Forgotten God Francis Chan wrote, "I don't want my life to be explainable without the Holy Spirit. I want people to look at my life and know that I couldn't be doing by my own power. I want to live in such a way that I am desperate for Him to come through. That if He doesn't come through, I am screwed." (He goes on to add, "I probably shouldn't write that word here, but it's how I truly feel about this." and I love that!)
That is where we live. Desperate for Him to come through.
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