But then. Matt asked if I wanted him to bring it in the house last night. One of the main reasons our therapists recommended we go ahead and get it was for positioning during therapy. Getting him and keeping him in one spot where he can work on playing with toys, work on vision, strengthen his muscles, etc. They were quick to assure me, "Hey, this doesn't mean we are giving up on crawling and walking... this is just to help us out while we get there." So River's got therapy this week and I knew we needed to go ahead and bring it in. What I didn't know was that doing so was going to make it all too real. I'm going to be honest: Right now I hate seeing that thing in my house. Big Sis doesn't like the thing either... she can''t quite explain why, but I get it baby girl. Momma gets it. It just doesn't feel right.
This isn't normal for me and if you're reading this you may be wondering who hijacked Mrs. Sunshine and took over? Sometimes we just need to say this sucks. So I am saying it. I am giving myself 24 hours to be sad and then I will move on.
It's just that thing sitting in my living room...It epitomizes everything that has been hard about the past 18 months. It's something I NEVER expected to be dealing with... doing therapy, having numerous pediatric specialists, spending so much time at Children's Hospital, fighting insurance, cleaning up puke 3-4 times a day, g tube feeds. The list goes on. I dreamed of having a son and when I found out I was having one I saw a little boy in Carrharts following his Daddy around the yard, I saw baseball and basketball games, his first hunting trip, Friday night football games. I envisioned him following his big boy cousin's around and driving his sister crazy. I imagined my hands super full, but for completely different reasons. I'm not saying he can't or won't still do these things, it's just going to be different. And accepting that? Well it's an ongoing process.
Here's what I am going to hold on to today: the vision of my son standing up and walking out of that wheelchair. That is what I need to hope for. Seeing it as a tool to help us get from point A to point B... well I can hate it a little less that way (but I still don't have to like it right? :)
(I have to end this post by saying THANK YOU to my best friends. The ones who received a picture of a wheelchair yesterday afternoon and let me simply say, "This sucks." They responded amazingly -the perfect balance of, 'Yes, it does.' 'I'm praying.' and 'Cutest. Wheelchair. Ever.'. They loved me right where I stood and I know they carry my hurt in their heart too. I am so blessed by their love for me and their love for my kids. I love you, K and J! And to my mom too, who went with me to pick up the wheelchair. I am sure it was hard on her too, but she never showed it. She is amazing.)
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